My lunch hours are usually spent either running errands, picking up/dropping off kids or at my desk. When I say at my desk, it’s just sometimes I just don’t want to run around and my little office can be peaceful. Sometimes I will blog, read email, Facebook or make phone calls. On occasion I go to lunch with my son to the Chinese restaurant across the street or meet my husband at a burger place right off the exit; places that are easy to get in and out of. Every once and a while I will ask to take a little bit longer lunch to meet with friends or family and actually have time to visit.
I recently had lunch with some friends. One friend brought an acquaintance; someone I did not know very well. This acquaintance is recently divorced. Unfortunately, each one of us at this luncheon has been divorced at some point in our lives. This person was telling us what she was going through. She told us that she didn’t understand why her ex was telling the kids how he didn’t want the divorce and that he would have stayed with the mom. She was asking us why he would do this. She said the child felt more confused and angry after this. This man had told this woman almost daily how much he hated her. He had not expressed love for this woman in years. He had several behaviors/actions which were not in keeping of a loving committed relationship built on respect or love; actually quite the opposite. Some things the children had witnessed and some things they had not. She is the one who eventually initiated the divorce.
I think I surprised her with my response. I told her that he was telling their child the truth as he saw it. He would have stayed married to her, he wouldn’t have left and he didn’t want to change his life. He treated his wife one way and then lived his own life and did the things that pleased him. Not the answer she was looking for but it made sense. It is why we, at this lunch, agreed that divorce can be difficult on kids. The kids don’t always realize that parents are people too. They don’t know all of the motivators and desires which we as adults have. They don’t always understand that we have feelings too. The child had seen the hatred but was still torn because the child loves both parents. It is confusing for adults who are going through the trials of their heart and they know the issues involved, kids don’t. In simple terms it’s like kids on a playground. Kids could relate it to “hey, I don’t want to hang with this kid. He/she isn’t nice to me and says he/she hates me”. Kids don’t want to be with people that treat them that way and neither do parents. That is a simplistic version. Everyone gets divorced for different reasons. I don’t know a single person that has got a divorce because of a single disagreement; there have always been a long series of disagreements. The one thing that each divorce has in common is that there is no one person to blame; even if there is one person blaming the other. Each member of the marriage is at fault to one degree or another for a marriage failing.
I can sit here and say that divorce was not in my plans when I first got married. I know I married Rene because I loved him, he was a good friend and we had fun. I can remember the day that I knew “this is the man I am going to spend of my life with”. He is still in my life, just in a different way now. Hindsight being 20/20 I can see some things which should have been warnings for me but I never would have recognized those things at 21. I recognize them now at 42. Life’s experiences helped to teach me those things. That being said, I have told Jeff and my children that if I were to go back again to when I was 21 and thinking about marrying Rene, I would do it again. I know it sounds silly knowing what I know now, but I would. There was a true love there at one point, it is long gone now, but it was there. It is probably why that even now, I can’t say that I hate him even though I don’t like some of the things he does. I am grateful for the 5 children that we had together. I can’t imagine my life without any of them. If I could go back I would hope that I would do some things differently. If I had we would either be divorced that much earlier or we would have lasted. I can’t say what would happen because we each have agency. That is the tricky thing about married life; each person has their agency to do things that will strengthen and/or disintegrate a marriage. That is why I know that it is the responsibility of BOTH partners for the success or failure of a marriage.
My marriage to Rene makes me appreciate Jeff that much more. I married Jeff for similar reasons that I married Rene. I love him, he is my best friend and we have fun together. The big difference is that Jeff has the same eternal quests as I do. Those eternal desires bring so much more to the table in our relationship than anything else. Someone once tried to compare my husband to my ex-husband, there is NO comparison-they are NOTHING alike. They are different types of men, different fathers, different intellectually, spiritually and emotionally. I think that I am a better person because of Jeff. I believe that our strengths and weaknesses complement each other.
Jeff and I are about to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. I can’t believe it has been that long already. It is no small accomplishment that we have made it to the 5 year mark. A couple of years ago we had a bishop tell us that he was amazed at how Jeff and I work through things. He mentioned how Jeff and I have gone through things that most people don’t face in ten years of marriage or even a life time. I would have to agree with that bishop. We have had to deal with life threatening illness which then led to unemployment. Then the economy took a down turn which had an effect on our family following my unemployment and continuing health issues. Jeff was a car salesman when we got married and his income went from comfortable to basically non-existent. By this time I had returned to work but the company I worked for was purchased and my position moved to the Philippines. During these other trials we still had a family of 9 children. Most people when they get married don’t have any. So along with the normal angst that comes from children and teenagers, we get to deal with the challenges of blending a family. Not all of the children were in favor of Jeff and me getting married. We have even had to go through some of the children making attempts to break Jeff and me up. I wish that I could say that our response to all of this was stellar, it wasn’t. We are still finding our way through some of these trials.
I know, anyone one reading that would question why I can find the good in any of that. I have so much more than good in all of that; I have found just how blessed I am because of all that. Jeff and I have been able to see those who are true in our lives. Trials tend to show a person’s true colors. I guess God wanted to get that knowledge out there from the get go. I know that through every one of the trials Jeff and I have faced we have spent a great deal of time in prayer together. We have found that we support each other through sickness and health, through good times and bad, for richer and poorer and came out stronger together for it. Those are not just words to me. We have found out more about ourselves personally. I can’t speak for Jeff but I know that I have found what I truly value in life. I think I always knew but not to what degree. I know that my outlook on life is better because of those trials. I recognize that some things are just trivial and take up too much time and energy. I have recognized that the kids are going to grow up and be on their own someday and it will be just Jeff and I. I am grateful that through all of those trials Jeff and I found a way to continue with our date nights. It is usually “Saturday Night Date Night” but when schedules conflict we always find some time during the week to be away with only each other. Sometimes it is as simple as an ice cream cone at Tastee Treat and long conversation. That time alone together helps to keep our relationship alive and thriving. This time without outside influences keeps our friendship going strong so we want to have that time together when the kids grow up and move out. I am so grateful for Jeff’s friendship. I cannot imagine my life without him in it.
I know this is almost a novel. This is a subject near and dear to me. Divorce is hard but it can bring great blessings too. I know that I am blessed to have Jeff in my life. Sometimes we wonder what would have happened if we had met when we were younger. It wouldn’t have happened. I had never been to Idaho in my 20s and Jeff had never been to RI. I can’t look at what could have been. I can only look at what I have now and what I can work towards for the future. I know that with Jeff by my side that my future holds indefinite opportunities filled with love. That makes my past all worth it. Thank you Jeff for bringing that to my life!
